THE LIE

After realizing your once Romeo and Juliet relationship was never the way you thought it was. It was time to pack up and move on. but I still loved him for the silliest reasons. So I stayed, being physically, emotionally hurt on a daily bases takes a toll on your soul. You begin to forget who you are and think you need him to survive. No matter what is going on they make you believe no one wants you, you do not belong anywhere. your self worth has dwindled to nothing so you beg for any kind of attention. whether it be hurtful or not.
 It has taken years, gone through many therapists, but now I have the right team, the best group of friends that I would trust my life with. and the Lord Jesus Christ. with all of this I mustarded enough guts to tell him I am leaving. at First he said fine go..... then it was are you really leaving? and now the anger has tripled because I am on the final count down of going. And then I am FREE!!! I was really afraid at first that I was going to fail but it is only because he has put this in my head. I am already a success. I have conquered abuse from him and I am walking away.... he will have to live with his demons of what he has done but I get to fly away...... I will however pray.. for him

From rags to riches WOW! The riches are gone and the rags have returned

My life started so very humble. I was that little farm girl. with a pair of cowboy boots from my Grandparents. Having to wear the same clothes a couple days because with seven people in the family there was just to much laundry. Left the farm for the city life with of course the CRAZY mother and her husband. grew up fast. faster then I should have. faster then I wanted too.

When you were sent to state hospitals like I was, (I was mentally ill according to my mother) I never had anything yet. My mother through everything away of mine. keeping no memories of me for me. so when I grew up I could not laugh at silly times, UUUGGG!!!laugh at silly times? what silly times I say? it makes me very sad. she through all my yearbooks away. all of my friends school pictures. why? she values nothing!!! nothing that has no dollar amount stuck to it. I feel enraged right now. she lacks any kind of kindness, moral value, or for that matter love!!!! No one really understands the Severe Pain my heart is in right now. I am so sensitive.  I know if someone would push the wrong way I would fall over and stay down.

Today, as I see myself in that mirror I am still that farm girl who did make it once to the top but to stay there was and is way to complicated I cannot lean on you........

I do not need to be right to show kindness.....

Sometimes I have learned in life that it is ok not to correct someone if they have made a mistake. It does not really matter in life, it does not hurt anyone or if they mistakenly got the wrong information. it does not hurt anyone. If It does however hurt someone if they were corrected,  intentions are  wrong, or were  misleading.  I learned FACTS need to be found out before you assume things. Today was a great day..... I got to relive a past fun day, and it was as I remembered it. We laughed, smiled and never once got angry if we lost the game. it really was not about the game. it was about the time we spent together as friends. I thought he could read my thoughts and knew what I was thinking and he really had no idea. Now things will be ok. I know they will be. We did not care about the card game we cared about each other. Not willing to give in to one others sadness we just kept on fighting against each other. but now, I think, We are going to be friends. good friends. True friends.

And Then.....

  My Blogs are never read, just like the fact I am never heard in my home or with my friends or the little  bit of family I do have.  my eyes have cried the last tear.
 Memories are going to be forgotten as my tongue will no longer spew an utter word of them.
I was told over and over I was not needed, I am not loved.
If I give you what you want you will tolerate me until I have no more to give. then that process starts all over again and again and again.
My Soul was once free, like the willows blowing in the wind.
drudging through that quick sand, I am too tired to pull my body up and out of this sink hole I've been drowning in my entire life. The strong can only be strong for so long so until WE take their last breathe.

SHIPWRECKED

31 years ago the mom who was originally my mother jump ship. Actually it was a lot longer ago. way before my parents divorced she jump. never did I see her work on the farm with us. when we moved she kept me and my older brother out of school to unpack boxes as she watched her Soap Operas.
Taking the praise for any good deed done even if convinced her children to her jobs but loudly and proudly take the credit.

On Saturday mornings she and a neighbor  would take the 7 mile car ride into town to go grocery shopping. I would tag a long a few times if I had my morning chores complete. I, however caught on to another way she manipulated others and this time the law and store for her own wants. What she would do was fill the grocery cart full of our food needs for the week place it by the door. have me sit on the bench near the door and she would say things to me like 'oh I forgot this or that and have me sit there and watch the UNPAID grocery cart while she ran through the line with a few items she said she "forgot" then come over to me put the paid 1 bag of food on top of the unpaid and walk out the door. with all the food. I ask her about it after seeing this like 5 times. she never answered me but said " IF YOU EVER TELLYOUR FATHER- I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL" I believed her and I never said a thing for years. until I guess now. maybe I told a few people over the years but well, anyone can know now. 

 My father hurt his back, ( this story is not about my Father, we have had issues but this is about my mom) did not work for a period. he had odd jobs but provided for us just fine Christ love and living in God's word was very important in my father's house. I loved the daily bread we read after dinner. Something my mom hated. my father got a job where my mom met her future husband. Alcoholic, and a very rage filled man.  Hit my mom. and threaten me. When she wanted to be alone with him she would give me a 100.00 bill and say I do not care what you do or where you go do not come home. To this day I do not know what she ever did on those nights.
\She go into drugs and one of the most horrific things is when she let the person she got drugs from rape me. years later I told someone and my mom said she "heard" I was "raped" but did not want to bother me because I might cry. the drug guy came knocking on our apartment door a few weeks later and she started yelling at him and so I thought she was really sorry but a little bit later I heard laughing and she came me my room and said ..... ants to apologize!!! OMG!!! are you kidding I waned to scream at her more then him.

So, as she marries the abuser she is stealing money from her mother, so much money, her mother has to move in with her other daughter. stealing from her husband mom. my friends, me. I do not get to keep my work checks. 

She committed a horrible crime. 2 counts of manslaughter and arson. went  to prison for many years, She could not even obey the law in prison. transfer to a different prison and now finally is released. I have not seen her, barely talked to her. do not remember what she looks like but I long for her. a family called and said she was (my mom) was very ill and wanted and need to say a few things. so I am thinking she is going to ask for forgivness. I was ready to tell I forgave her. but she is really not sick at all except in the head. this is her exact words look who put me in prison meaning her husband. starting blaming all for everything. give me a rules if I were to talk to her what I could talk about. bull. She is still a shipwreck.  

You had a smile on your face but your hands broke my body.........

The day seemed like it was another one of those days were I needed to lay low, be kind, and go way out of my way to make sure he was going to maintain his happiness. spend my money on him if wanted something. I did that!!! ALL of that!

 I asked him that late afternoon if he would help get my leg up on the bench so my legs would not swell anymore then they already had.  I caught his facial expression out of the corner of my eye and I thought oh no, here it comes, I said please be careful and he grabbed my legged and lifted it but bent my knee outward. I started crying and I told him he hurt me and  to get away. HOW MUCH MORE?

I am really beginning to have very unkind thoughts about him. I do not want to be around him ever anymore. but I feel stuck..... I to move to a place that has a bigger bathroom that I can take care of my needs. He has to help me with my needs now otherwise I would have his butt put on Jail. Do not break my body anymore you broke my hard in to enough little pieces.  Then what really bothers me is I am an idiot cause I believe he will not do it again...... IDOIT!!!!!!

what happen to the honoring your word... not your status

Trust is the biggest and best quality you can own for yourself.

Once it is gone it truly never can fully bloom in your heart again. Society, friends, business people. run it on anyone and it will be shortly be surrendered back to you as if it need to go back on the shelf to collect dust. IT IS NO GOOD

I learned a very hard lesson from someone who is in a business but continues to screw people over.
I shake my head at her. Hope she does not do it to the wrong person.(OH, I THINK SHE DID) ME!!

Promises are only good for so long... until people start to realize you are just talk. big talk... o but really just little talk.....

my life will continue and you will continue to play your games and keep doing it to others and one day there will be one left to do it too. and you will wonder then. not one even likes your status....

I reached for soup but got a can of beans

I really work hard at having a good name in the community. I do lie, I can be brutality honest at times. so brutal it my hurt. I try to MAKE people like me.
  I never am heard, , they think they know what I want, or what is good for me---- BUT... really??!!!! how do you know, when I cannot figure it out myself. It really pisses me off. I would like this they give me that, or you will not like this, but you will this???? NO!!! GIVE ME A BREAK!!    I am me, Heidi. I will reach for the stars and get a star. I want to sing I will sing. do ra me!
 I am be loud but my voice is quiet. no one can hear me. or they pretend not to. Is it about the power? or is it about a roll I am in "help me Help me please take care of me" I pray to God not.
Please understand my shelf is just going to be collecting dust soonI refuse to keep reaching and never getting what I need or want.

Looking in the mirror and seeing everyone but myself

Giving my last favorite cookie away, spending my last dollar on something for a friend so they are happy. Give, give, give.... yes it is great to have a tender, loving heart.
 Some people take advantage of that and get everything they can from me and then not like me anymore because I have nothing to give.
 But I am screaming yes I do. I can give you my humor, my love, my friendship but it is not good enough for you because you are use to only liking for the things I give you

I am dying inside at times. I look around and there you all are laughing with each other. having fun. don't I matter??? WHY?

I thought things were just things. they did not matter to me. or still do not. If they make you happy take it. I want happiness but I am here. I am alive do not ignore me. My mama did and still does. the hole in my heart is getting so big it is not going to work anymore.

PROMISES are always made but continue to be broken every time they no longer fit your needs or wants. My mama did and does.

Did I do something wrong for trying to have a good heart, good intentions. not wanting anything in return except kindness.  I never got any from my mama.

I do not feel like myself anymore, I am becoming cold and callus, rude and resentful. I look in a mirror I am not me , I do not see me, I see everyone else, turn my heart soft again, I do not want a hard heart. the way my mama has her's.

It is not the quanity of friends it is the quality of friends.......

I always wished I was in the popular group in school. they seem to have so much fun. laughing all the time. talking about all the things they did the last weekend and what they plan to do for the upcoming weekend. they were good at sports. the teachers all liked them. thy all got good grades. WHY? what the heck was wrong with me. there were no train tracks to born on the wrong side of. I know my family life was not really great. and that was saying it nicely. I hated my childhood. my Mother was pure rotten and my Father, well, he is totally a different story. To this day my siblings and I do not speak and some of them actually hate me. another question of why? Anyhow.... what really saved my life was my friends. they let me cry on their shoulder. hide out in their room when it was not safe to go home. and now as I am an adult I find they are way more important than any relationship I could have. My ex lied to my our whole time together. YEAH... NO KIDDING!!!! but my best girlfriend would never think to do that. she tells me when to buck up. breathe, stop being a baby. We cry together, but we always have each others back. no matter rain or shine. I love my friend..... LeAnn!!!! I would never trade you in for the world. we have gone through Cancer, fights, jobs..... everything, I do not need to have 575 friends on facebook all I need is 1 LeAnn. Thank you God for blessing me with her. I need you more than you will ever know.

lonely days are gone yet i will be living ALONE.....

For the last 12 years I have lived with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. a kind gentle souled man. A man that wore his heart on his sleeve at all times. Cried at watching Little House on The Prairie. Adored baby kittens and puppies.

Would roll on the floor laughing and start crying because we were laughing so hard. But now days that all that seems to come out of our mouths are negative rude comments to one another. 

I call our home right now the Jail and all the blinds the jail bars. I feel this way because He refuses at times to take me with him when he goes out shopping or just kind of bumming. some of his excuses are his back hurts, or it is to cold for me. I want to SCREAM let me be the judge of it is to cold for me.

I never went looking for a relationship. but there he was one day. I thought. I would go for it forced a first by a friend. him too.  now it has had domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse. I scream in my head WHY WHY WHY!!!  BUT NOW, FREEDOM IS CLOSE.... I feel very sad that I look at  it as freedom being close, or I am getting out of prison. this was suppose to be my home to. my safe spot to lay my head and rest. never to feel afraid when I lock the door but I do all the time. peace is coming......

As far as my Ex, I do not wish anything bad for him. I want him to know I will always be there for him. anytime he asks. I will always care. I forgive for all that you have done to me. please ask Jesus for forgiveness that is way more important than my forgiveness.      Alone can be a wonderful thing... taking care of your needs for yourself makes you feel good about yourself.......