You had a smile on your face but your hands broke my body.........

The day seemed like it was another one of those days were I needed to lay low, be kind, and go way out of my way to make sure he was going to maintain his happiness. spend my money on him if wanted something. I did that!!! ALL of that!

 I asked him that late afternoon if he would help get my leg up on the bench so my legs would not swell anymore then they already had.  I caught his facial expression out of the corner of my eye and I thought oh no, here it comes, I said please be careful and he grabbed my legged and lifted it but bent my knee outward. I started crying and I told him he hurt me and  to get away. HOW MUCH MORE?

I am really beginning to have very unkind thoughts about him. I do not want to be around him ever anymore. but I feel stuck..... I to move to a place that has a bigger bathroom that I can take care of my needs. He has to help me with my needs now otherwise I would have his butt put on Jail. Do not break my body anymore you broke my hard in to enough little pieces.  Then what really bothers me is I am an idiot cause I believe he will not do it again...... IDOIT!!!!!!

what happen to the honoring your word... not your status

Trust is the biggest and best quality you can own for yourself.

Once it is gone it truly never can fully bloom in your heart again. Society, friends, business people. run it on anyone and it will be shortly be surrendered back to you as if it need to go back on the shelf to collect dust. IT IS NO GOOD

I learned a very hard lesson from someone who is in a business but continues to screw people over.
I shake my head at her. Hope she does not do it to the wrong person.(OH, I THINK SHE DID) ME!!

Promises are only good for so long... until people start to realize you are just talk. big talk... o but really just little talk.....

my life will continue and you will continue to play your games and keep doing it to others and one day there will be one left to do it too. and you will wonder then. not one even likes your status....

I reached for soup but got a can of beans

I really work hard at having a good name in the community. I do lie, I can be brutality honest at times. so brutal it my hurt. I try to MAKE people like me.
  I never am heard, , they think they know what I want, or what is good for me---- BUT... really??!!!! how do you know, when I cannot figure it out myself. It really pisses me off. I would like this they give me that, or you will not like this, but you will this???? NO!!! GIVE ME A BREAK!!    I am me, Heidi. I will reach for the stars and get a star. I want to sing I will sing. do ra me!
 I am be loud but my voice is quiet. no one can hear me. or they pretend not to. Is it about the power? or is it about a roll I am in "help me Help me please take care of me" I pray to God not.
Please understand my shelf is just going to be collecting dust soonI refuse to keep reaching and never getting what I need or want.

Looking in the mirror and seeing everyone but myself

Giving my last favorite cookie away, spending my last dollar on something for a friend so they are happy. Give, give, give.... yes it is great to have a tender, loving heart.
 Some people take advantage of that and get everything they can from me and then not like me anymore because I have nothing to give.
 But I am screaming yes I do. I can give you my humor, my love, my friendship but it is not good enough for you because you are use to only liking for the things I give you

I am dying inside at times. I look around and there you all are laughing with each other. having fun. don't I matter??? WHY?

I thought things were just things. they did not matter to me. or still do not. If they make you happy take it. I want happiness but I am here. I am alive do not ignore me. My mama did and still does. the hole in my heart is getting so big it is not going to work anymore.

PROMISES are always made but continue to be broken every time they no longer fit your needs or wants. My mama did and does.

Did I do something wrong for trying to have a good heart, good intentions. not wanting anything in return except kindness.  I never got any from my mama.

I do not feel like myself anymore, I am becoming cold and callus, rude and resentful. I look in a mirror I am not me , I do not see me, I see everyone else, turn my heart soft again, I do not want a hard heart. the way my mama has her's.

It is not the quanity of friends it is the quality of friends.......

I always wished I was in the popular group in school. they seem to have so much fun. laughing all the time. talking about all the things they did the last weekend and what they plan to do for the upcoming weekend. they were good at sports. the teachers all liked them. thy all got good grades. WHY? what the heck was wrong with me. there were no train tracks to born on the wrong side of. I know my family life was not really great. and that was saying it nicely. I hated my childhood. my Mother was pure rotten and my Father, well, he is totally a different story. To this day my siblings and I do not speak and some of them actually hate me. another question of why? Anyhow.... what really saved my life was my friends. they let me cry on their shoulder. hide out in their room when it was not safe to go home. and now as I am an adult I find they are way more important than any relationship I could have. My ex lied to my our whole time together. YEAH... NO KIDDING!!!! but my best girlfriend would never think to do that. she tells me when to buck up. breathe, stop being a baby. We cry together, but we always have each others back. no matter rain or shine. I love my friend..... LeAnn!!!! I would never trade you in for the world. we have gone through Cancer, fights, jobs..... everything, I do not need to have 575 friends on facebook all I need is 1 LeAnn. Thank you God for blessing me with her. I need you more than you will ever know.

lonely days are gone yet i will be living ALONE.....

For the last 12 years I have lived with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. a kind gentle souled man. A man that wore his heart on his sleeve at all times. Cried at watching Little House on The Prairie. Adored baby kittens and puppies.

Would roll on the floor laughing and start crying because we were laughing so hard. But now days that all that seems to come out of our mouths are negative rude comments to one another. 

I call our home right now the Jail and all the blinds the jail bars. I feel this way because He refuses at times to take me with him when he goes out shopping or just kind of bumming. some of his excuses are his back hurts, or it is to cold for me. I want to SCREAM let me be the judge of it is to cold for me.

I never went looking for a relationship. but there he was one day. I thought. I would go for it forced a first by a friend. him too.  now it has had domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse. I scream in my head WHY WHY WHY!!!  BUT NOW, FREEDOM IS CLOSE.... I feel very sad that I look at  it as freedom being close, or I am getting out of prison. this was suppose to be my home to. my safe spot to lay my head and rest. never to feel afraid when I lock the door but I do all the time. peace is coming......

As far as my Ex, I do not wish anything bad for him. I want him to know I will always be there for him. anytime he asks. I will always care. I forgive for all that you have done to me. please ask Jesus for forgiveness that is way more important than my forgiveness.      Alone can be a wonderful thing... taking care of your needs for yourself makes you feel good about yourself.......