I SIT ALONE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND NO ONE AND I MEAN THERE IS NO ONE THAT KNOWS THE EMOTIONAL PAIN I AM IN BESIDES MY WALLS. MY WALLS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS THEY DO NOT TALK BACK TO ME THEY DO NOT JUDGE ME. THEY KEPT THE SECRETS IN THIS ROOM. ANY ROOM I AM IN THEY KEEP THE SECRET IN THAT ROOM. EACH ROOM HAS IT'S OWN SET OF SECRETS OWN SET OF SCARY THOUGHTS AND IDEAS. CREEPY OR NOT. PARANOID OR NOT. THEY ARE OURS. NO ONE ELSES. THEY CANNOT COMMITMENT. SO I CAN TELL THEM ANYTHING. I CAN TELL THEM THE WORST OF THE WORST OR THE BEST OF THE BEST. JUST DEPENDING ON THE DAY..... LIKE TODAY, I EEL LIKE I AM FREAKING OUT MY BODY HURTS. I FEEL LIKE IT HAS WAY TO MUCH WATER AND I NEED TO JUST PEE PEE PEE. AND QUIT EATING SALTY FOODS. BUT HEY, IT IS ONE WAY....... I THINK I KNOW I NEED TO JUST SLEEP THOUGH TOO. LAST NIGHT I GOT REALLY GOOD SLEEP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 WEEKS AND IT FELT SO GOOD. SO WHEN I AM DONE HERE I WILL GO TO SLEEP.
APRIL THE GIRAFFE----- LOVE LOVE LOVE HER WHAT IS IT ABOUT HER? SHE IS INOCENT. LOVABLE. CUTE AS A BUTTON. CANNOT WAIT FOR HER TO HAVE HER CAFE.
IF MY WALLS COULD TALK.... I WISH I WORKED AT THAT ZOO.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Trapped in the Glass.....
I see you standing there talking, I am just listening wanting to join in that conversation so bad. but knowing I am so different. knowing I do not fit in. what would I say? how would I carry myself? would you laugh at me? I just go home and cry. Knowing I do not fit in that world. My mind thinks different, I act different (so I am told) I do not think I do!!!!. they all say I am aggressive. what the hell are they talking about? I have a mental illness. I trying to be normal. I see that I am not. I am smart enough to see I do not fit into your society. my mental shit isn't bad enough where I do not see you laugh on the inside!!!!! I have always been that damn outsider. How would you like to be the sand trapped in the glass?
Sunday, April 24, 2016
THE LIE
After realizing your once Romeo and Juliet relationship was never the way you thought it was. It was time to pack up and move on. but I still loved him for the silliest reasons. So I stayed, being physically, emotionally hurt on a daily bases takes a toll on your soul. You begin to forget who you are and think you need him to survive. No matter what is going on they make you believe no one wants you, you do not belong anywhere. your self worth has dwindled to nothing so you beg for any kind of attention. whether it be hurtful or not.
It has taken years, gone through many therapists, but now I have the right team, the best group of friends that I would trust my life with. and the Lord Jesus Christ. with all of this I mustarded enough guts to tell him I am leaving. at First he said fine go..... then it was are you really leaving? and now the anger has tripled because I am on the final count down of going. And then I am FREE!!! I was really afraid at first that I was going to fail but it is only because he has put this in my head. I am already a success. I have conquered abuse from him and I am walking away.... he will have to live with his demons of what he has done but I get to fly away...... I will however pray.. for him
It has taken years, gone through many therapists, but now I have the right team, the best group of friends that I would trust my life with. and the Lord Jesus Christ. with all of this I mustarded enough guts to tell him I am leaving. at First he said fine go..... then it was are you really leaving? and now the anger has tripled because I am on the final count down of going. And then I am FREE!!! I was really afraid at first that I was going to fail but it is only because he has put this in my head. I am already a success. I have conquered abuse from him and I am walking away.... he will have to live with his demons of what he has done but I get to fly away...... I will however pray.. for him
Sunday, March 20, 2016
From rags to riches WOW! The riches are gone and the rags have returned
My life started so very humble. I was that little farm girl. with a pair of cowboy boots from my Grandparents. Having to wear the same clothes a couple days because with seven people in the family there was just to much laundry. Left the farm for the city life with of course the CRAZY mother and her husband. grew up fast. faster then I should have. faster then I wanted too.
When you were sent to state hospitals like I was, (I was mentally ill according to my mother) I never had anything yet. My mother through everything away of mine. keeping no memories of me for me. so when I grew up I could not laugh at silly times, UUUGGG!!!laugh at silly times? what silly times I say? it makes me very sad. she through all my yearbooks away. all of my friends school pictures. why? she values nothing!!! nothing that has no dollar amount stuck to it. I feel enraged right now. she lacks any kind of kindness, moral value, or for that matter love!!!! No one really understands the Severe Pain my heart is in right now. I am so sensitive. I know if someone would push the wrong way I would fall over and stay down.
Today, as I see myself in that mirror I am still that farm girl who did make it once to the top but to stay there was and is way to complicated I cannot lean on you........
When you were sent to state hospitals like I was, (I was mentally ill according to my mother) I never had anything yet. My mother through everything away of mine. keeping no memories of me for me. so when I grew up I could not laugh at silly times, UUUGGG!!!laugh at silly times? what silly times I say? it makes me very sad. she through all my yearbooks away. all of my friends school pictures. why? she values nothing!!! nothing that has no dollar amount stuck to it. I feel enraged right now. she lacks any kind of kindness, moral value, or for that matter love!!!! No one really understands the Severe Pain my heart is in right now. I am so sensitive. I know if someone would push the wrong way I would fall over and stay down.
Today, as I see myself in that mirror I am still that farm girl who did make it once to the top but to stay there was and is way to complicated I cannot lean on you........
Saturday, March 19, 2016
I do not need to be right to show kindness.....
Sometimes I have learned in life that it is ok not to correct someone if they have made a mistake. It does not really matter in life, it does not hurt anyone or if they mistakenly got the wrong information. it does not hurt anyone. If It does however hurt someone if they were corrected, intentions are wrong, or were misleading. I learned FACTS need to be found out before you assume things. Today was a great day..... I got to relive a past fun day, and it was as I remembered it. We laughed, smiled and never once got angry if we lost the game. it really was not about the game. it was about the time we spent together as friends. I thought he could read my thoughts and knew what I was thinking and he really had no idea. Now things will be ok. I know they will be. We did not care about the card game we cared about each other. Not willing to give in to one others sadness we just kept on fighting against each other. but now, I think, We are going to be friends. good friends. True friends.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
And Then.....
My Blogs are never read, just like the fact I am never heard in my home or with my friends or the little bit of family I do have. my eyes have cried the last tear.
Memories are going to be forgotten as my tongue will no longer spew an utter word of them.
I was told over and over I was not needed, I am not loved.
If I give you what you want you will tolerate me until I have no more to give. then that process starts all over again and again and again.
My Soul was once free, like the willows blowing in the wind.
drudging through that quick sand, I am too tired to pull my body up and out of this sink hole I've been drowning in my entire life. The strong can only be strong for so long so until WE take their last breathe.
Memories are going to be forgotten as my tongue will no longer spew an utter word of them.
I was told over and over I was not needed, I am not loved.
If I give you what you want you will tolerate me until I have no more to give. then that process starts all over again and again and again.
My Soul was once free, like the willows blowing in the wind.
drudging through that quick sand, I am too tired to pull my body up and out of this sink hole I've been drowning in my entire life. The strong can only be strong for so long so until WE take their last breathe.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
SHIPWRECKED
31 years ago the mom who was originally my mother jump ship. Actually it was a lot longer ago. way before my parents divorced she jump. never did I see her work on the farm with us. when we moved she kept me and my older brother out of school to unpack boxes as she watched her Soap Operas.
Taking the praise for any good deed done even if convinced her children to her jobs but loudly and proudly take the credit.
On Saturday mornings she and a neighbor would take the 7 mile car ride into town to go grocery shopping. I would tag a long a few times if I had my morning chores complete. I, however caught on to another way she manipulated others and this time the law and store for her own wants. What she would do was fill the grocery cart full of our food needs for the week place it by the door. have me sit on the bench near the door and she would say things to me like 'oh I forgot this or that and have me sit there and watch the UNPAID grocery cart while she ran through the line with a few items she said she "forgot" then come over to me put the paid 1 bag of food on top of the unpaid and walk out the door. with all the food. I ask her about it after seeing this like 5 times. she never answered me but said " IF YOU EVER TELLYOUR FATHER- I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL" I believed her and I never said a thing for years. until I guess now. maybe I told a few people over the years but well, anyone can know now.
My father hurt his back, ( this story is not about my Father, we have had issues but this is about my mom) did not work for a period. he had odd jobs but provided for us just fine Christ love and living in God's word was very important in my father's house. I loved the daily bread we read after dinner. Something my mom hated. my father got a job where my mom met her future husband. Alcoholic, and a very rage filled man. Hit my mom. and threaten me. When she wanted to be alone with him she would give me a 100.00 bill and say I do not care what you do or where you go do not come home. To this day I do not know what she ever did on those nights.
\She go into drugs and one of the most horrific things is when she let the person she got drugs from rape me. years later I told someone and my mom said she "heard" I was "raped" but did not want to bother me because I might cry. the drug guy came knocking on our apartment door a few weeks later and she started yelling at him and so I thought she was really sorry but a little bit later I heard laughing and she came me my room and said ..... ants to apologize!!! OMG!!! are you kidding I waned to scream at her more then him.
So, as she marries the abuser she is stealing money from her mother, so much money, her mother has to move in with her other daughter. stealing from her husband mom. my friends, me. I do not get to keep my work checks.
She committed a horrible crime. 2 counts of manslaughter and arson. went to prison for many years, She could not even obey the law in prison. transfer to a different prison and now finally is released. I have not seen her, barely talked to her. do not remember what she looks like but I long for her. a family called and said she was (my mom) was very ill and wanted and need to say a few things. so I am thinking she is going to ask for forgivness. I was ready to tell I forgave her. but she is really not sick at all except in the head. this is her exact words look who put me in prison meaning her husband. starting blaming all for everything. give me a rules if I were to talk to her what I could talk about. bull. She is still a shipwreck.
Taking the praise for any good deed done even if convinced her children to her jobs but loudly and proudly take the credit.
On Saturday mornings she and a neighbor would take the 7 mile car ride into town to go grocery shopping. I would tag a long a few times if I had my morning chores complete. I, however caught on to another way she manipulated others and this time the law and store for her own wants. What she would do was fill the grocery cart full of our food needs for the week place it by the door. have me sit on the bench near the door and she would say things to me like 'oh I forgot this or that and have me sit there and watch the UNPAID grocery cart while she ran through the line with a few items she said she "forgot" then come over to me put the paid 1 bag of food on top of the unpaid and walk out the door. with all the food. I ask her about it after seeing this like 5 times. she never answered me but said " IF YOU EVER TELLYOUR FATHER- I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL" I believed her and I never said a thing for years. until I guess now. maybe I told a few people over the years but well, anyone can know now.
My father hurt his back, ( this story is not about my Father, we have had issues but this is about my mom) did not work for a period. he had odd jobs but provided for us just fine Christ love and living in God's word was very important in my father's house. I loved the daily bread we read after dinner. Something my mom hated. my father got a job where my mom met her future husband. Alcoholic, and a very rage filled man. Hit my mom. and threaten me. When she wanted to be alone with him she would give me a 100.00 bill and say I do not care what you do or where you go do not come home. To this day I do not know what she ever did on those nights.
\She go into drugs and one of the most horrific things is when she let the person she got drugs from rape me. years later I told someone and my mom said she "heard" I was "raped" but did not want to bother me because I might cry. the drug guy came knocking on our apartment door a few weeks later and she started yelling at him and so I thought she was really sorry but a little bit later I heard laughing and she came me my room and said ..... ants to apologize!!! OMG!!! are you kidding I waned to scream at her more then him.
So, as she marries the abuser she is stealing money from her mother, so much money, her mother has to move in with her other daughter. stealing from her husband mom. my friends, me. I do not get to keep my work checks.
She committed a horrible crime. 2 counts of manslaughter and arson. went to prison for many years, She could not even obey the law in prison. transfer to a different prison and now finally is released. I have not seen her, barely talked to her. do not remember what she looks like but I long for her. a family called and said she was (my mom) was very ill and wanted and need to say a few things. so I am thinking she is going to ask for forgivness. I was ready to tell I forgave her. but she is really not sick at all except in the head. this is her exact words look who put me in prison meaning her husband. starting blaming all for everything. give me a rules if I were to talk to her what I could talk about. bull. She is still a shipwreck.
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